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Shinoda: Clinical psychologist and licensed psychologist Student Counseling Room Health Support Center

In university life, you may have conflicting opinions when talking with people from various positions. In such situations, it would be good to be able to communicate while respecting both yourself and the other person. There is a term called "assertion" that describes this type of communication that respects both yourself and others. In this article, I would like to think about comfortable communication based on assertion.

People who can't change their opinions and people who can't express their opinions

In "Assertion," self-expression is divided into three types:

Aggressive: They tend to ignore the opinions and feelings of others.
Non-assertive: Not expressing one's thoughts or feelings, or expressing them in an ambiguous way
・Assertive: Expressing one's own opinion openly while respecting the other person's opinion.

"Someone who doesn't listen to your opinions very much" may be the "aggressive" type.

You can't change your partner

You may feel that you can only deal with people who express themselves aggressively by being strong and assertive or using very technical negotiation techniques. It is unfair that you always have to give in, and you want the other person to change. However, you cannot directly change the other person in a relationship.

In other words, no matter how strong your words are, you cannot change the other person's opinions, feelings, attitudes, or other internal aspects.

Distinguish between objective facts and subjective opinions

One idea is to organize the objective facts and state your opinion on those facts, rather than responding to the other person's subjective opinion. Instead of saying, "I think your opinion is different," try saying, "This is what we need to discuss right now, and this is what you think. In response, I think this." By doing so, you can shift from a me vs. the other person structure to a me and you structure working together to solve the problem, which can lead to communication that respects each other's opinions.

It is quite difficult to be assertive. In some cases, it may be better to leave the relationship for a while. If you feel that you cannot handle the situation on your own, please feel free to contact Student Counseling Room.

[References]
・" Assertion Training: Refreshing Self-Expression (Third Edition)" by Noriko Hiraki (Kaneko Shobo, 2021)